Motherhood and me

To me, in BRIEF motherhood means:

Transforming from fab to fat.

Increasing the headcount from 2 to 3

Simple? Well not actually. Motherhood really changed me and brings out the strength in me that I didn't know I had. It was the greatest challenge ever and a challenge that strangely I was able to overcome naturally. I was always worried that I didn't know how to hold a baby, didn't know how to bath a baby (what if I drowned her), didn't know how much to feed a baby (what if I overfed her and she puked) but the answers all came naturally. The biggest fear in me before embracing motherhood was WILL I BE READY? Being someone who is always on the go, on the move, will I be ready to get settled and be committed to a baby and be confined to home? I didn't have the answer when it all suddenly happened 2 years ago.

When I told papa I was ready to conceive and we should start trying now, we tried and hit the jackpot. When we found out I was pregnant, we both have mixed reactions - we were happy that we got what we wanted but then we started questioning ourselves if we are truly ready and if this is what we really want... we didn't expect it to happen so soon.

After a few days/weeks the reality sank in and we began to enjoy the fact that we are finally going to be parents. Seeing the little heart beat on the ultrasound for the first time strenghten our belief that we are truly ready. Unfortunately the joy was shortlived. I was diagnosed with threaten miscarriage and was continuously spotting for weeks (dark brown discharge) and had bleeding (bright red blood) with blood clots as big as half the size of my palm that came out of me twice during those weeks. I was told to rest until after the 1st trimester. So I spent 2 weeks on MC at home and 2 more weeks working from home until everything finally stabilizes. Papa was my pillar of strength during those troubled times, bringing me lunch and dinner, fetching my water, fetching me the potty when I wanted to puke etc and we finally pulled through. The fear of losing the baby was more than words could describe. Seeing the clot in my hands (thinking it was the foetus) TWICE almost killed me emotionally.

Thankfully it all went well and I had quite a smooth pregnancy thereafter. Hardly any cravings, hardly any night cramping, hardly any backache but lots of Braxton Hicks. The ugly stretch marks came during the last 2 months and they're still visible today :-(.

Fast forward a few months later, Hayley arrived on Valentine's Day. So yes, I suffered on Valentine's Day. No flowers, no candle light dinner, just pain and a big reward awaits me at the end of the ordeal. Due to some complications, I had a c-sec in the end. My Valentine's Day gift arrived at 1.30pm that faithful day. After she was born and we took her home, the reality sank in for both of us. I was depressed for a few days because I was in pain, I wasn't sleeping well, I was engorging, I was stressed as I wasn't producing enough milk, I was smelly and sticky all over (cause I was not allowed to bath) and to top it all I was having a fever! I didn't feel bonded to Hayley at that time and didn't feel the love for her, was wondering if I was going mad, how could I not love my child? Papa on the other was tired as he had to travel to my mom's where I was confining and back to our own home to make sure everything was in order and was lack of sleep and seeing me suffer and in pain hurts him more.

2 weeks later I was bleeding a lot and was admitted back to the hospital. I had an infection in the uterus. I was separated from my baby of 2 weeks for 3 days. I cried myself to sleep every night alone in the hospital although papa did pop by to visit everyday. Then on, my love for her grew by the minute. I finally felt what it was like to be a mother and to love a child unconditionally. The feeling just came like that... like magic...with no warning... I was hooked...

When I got back home, I finished my confinement, enjoyed every minute I have with her and took her back to our own home for her fullmoon. I spent the next month looking after her by myself with no help. Never knew I had that strength in me. She did fall sick occasionally and like most kiasu mothers I watched her like a hawk. Ignoring my own health and I was constantly falling sick a lot too.

After she came, our lives changed tremendously. For me, I no longer have time for dancing, which I used to love so much. I used to dance after work and on weekends and it brings me great satisfaction to be on stage. Although the fire is still in me, the love for her and to be with her were much stronger. I had to pick one and I picked her. I also lost some friends because I didn't have time to keep in touch as I was too busy learning to be a perfect mom. I had to juggle work, being a mother and a wife all at the same time. I no longer shop at the ladies department or shoes department, I head straight to the babies/kids corner. A blouse that cost RM80 will make me think twice but a toy for her that cost RM100, I will buy instantly if she likes it. That is how I have changed....

Being the kiasu mom, I was constantly worried that she's not gaining enough weight, not eating enough, not learning enough, not clean enough, not sleeping enough and the list goes on and on.

Motherhood brings out the best, the ugly, the worst and the hero in me. I am still learning and juggling everyday but seeing her grow healthily from day to day is what makes me happiest and proud. All the sacrifices we made, all the sleepless nights we endured, all the pain we went through and all the kac$ing we spent on her is definitely worth every penny. And yes, 2 years later, I can proudly say that I am committed to her and I am able to change my lifestyle just for her and I don't mind being confined to home with her!

Bao bei, you know you meant the world to us. We just hope you continue to grow to be a good person and to enjoy your life happily and healthily all the way. You have no idea how much we love you.....

Our pride and joy

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to me and all the lovely mommy bloggers out there!

Note: this post was written for a contest organised by Agnes Loke which I found out via Alice Law's blog :-). My very first attempt! :-)