Hayley's first year

My proudest achievement todate : MY LITTLE GIRL :-)

It is amazing to see her growing and learning everyday. I am also growing and learning to be a better mum every passing day :-)

I could still remember the day she arrived. Been wanting to write about that day for a very long time but have been lazy cause it will not be a short post. I told myself that I have to write it someday so that Hayley can read it (and know what I have to go through to bring her into this world) when she is older. I guess today is the day, I suddenly felt inspired to write hehehe

Hayley was born on Valentine's Day in 2008 . This is how it all happened......

6.00am
I woke up feeling wet and found myself having slight bleeding. I quickly got myself ready and woke the hubby. We grabbed the bag and rushed to the hospital. One thing which I remembered clearly was how afraid I was at that time, upon realising that today will finally be THE day. My legs were shaking non stop, could not even walk properly, yes I was that frightened.

6.30am
Checked into the labour ward, put on the hospital's gown and was told to lie on the bed. Hubby went to do the registration. Nurses came in and out of the room, checked the contractions, insert their fingers to me (I was 2.5cm dilated), shaved me, explained the procedures etc. While I was lying on the bed, my legs were still shaking. Nurses thought I was cold and brought me some blankets. I told them I was terrified and not cold :-). I continued to lie on the bed, hubby comfortably sitting on the sofa next to my bed and nurses continued to walk in and out doing the routine stuff. There was no pain, not yet.

8.15am
Dr Goh arrived (my gynae) and said the baby's head was not yet engaged. I could feel his fingers inside me pushing deep trying to feel the head. It was uncomfortable and slightly painful. He then broke the water bag and said there were some traces of Meconium. He told me there was no need to worry yet. I could then feel warm water flowing out but I could not see anything. Dr Goh then instructed the nurses to put me on drips. He briefly explained that hopefully it would encourage the baby to engage.

8.30am
Nurse A came with the needle and inserted it into my left arm. 30 mins later the area where the needle was got swollen. Nurse A took it out and explained that my veins were too thin. She tried again on the same hand but different vein. Another 30 mins and again it got swollen. Now my left hand was twice the size of my right hand. Nurse A then called Nurse B. Nurse B came and said this would be the last try, if it doesn't work, they will have to try something else (not sure what that something else would be). This time Nurse B inserted the needle into my left hand. Deep down I was cursing 'great, now I am paralysed'. I used to be terrified of needles but after this incident, I just want them to get over with it quickly.

Guess what, 30 mins later, it didn't work yet again! I was really frustrated. This time they brought in the medical officer and he inserted the needle again into my right hand where my wrist was. Finally it worked and I was charged for his time (saw it on my bill when I checked out).

11am
The pain begins....

At first it was every 20 mins, then 10 mins, then 5 mins and finally it was every minute. The pain lasted for about 40 - 50 seconds which left me with about 10 seconds to breathe before it starts again. I wasn't sure what level of pain that was cause I was not hooked on to any machines. The nurses would come in every 15 mins and put their hands on my tummy and then stare at the clock (I think they are counting the frequency of the contractions). At that time, I felt really helpless. I couldn't clench, cause both my hands were swollen. I couldn't hold on to anything! I also had this back pain that comes with the contractions. I didn't have back pain during pregnancy and not sure why it came out of a sudden. I could bear with the contractions but I could not with the back pain. It was really really irritating, felt like my back bone was going to break into 2.

1pm
Dr Goh came to check on me again. Again he inserted his finger into me and still could not feel the head. This time he told me we can't wait any longer and I have to go for a c-sec immediately. Things happened very quickly and I was still in shock upon hearing the word 'c-sec'. I have always thought that I would deliver naturally and without epidural just like everyone in my family. I didn't know what to say or do. I remember telling my husband to call my mom and my sis and tell them I am going for surgery. While I was still in pain, the nurses started preparing me for surgery. One of them gave me something to drink (don't know what it was) and told me to remove everything except the gown. They then inserted the urine catheter into me, that part I hate the most. In less than 10 mins I was wheeled into the waiting room. At the waiting room, the anasthetician came and asked me what I want, GA or epidural. I asked her to explain the differences and honestly I was lost. I didn't know which to choose as I was caught off guard and hubby wasn't with me and I was in pain. I told them I was terrified and in pain and they then asked me to go for GA. I vaguely remembered that GA would have lesser risks as epidural would means injecting into the spine. I obliged and signed some papers with my swollen hand (even till today, I still can't understand why they won't ask hubby to sign). And only after the surgery that I was told that if I opted for GA, hubby couldn't witness the birth. If I knew earlier, I would have opted for epidural, sigh.

I was still wide awake when they wheeled me into the operation theatre. I saw bright lights (just like in the movies), several doctors, nurses and they were all very busy doing various things. Next moment I saw the anasthetician's face and she said she is going to put me to sleep right now. 2 seconds later I was out.....

3.30pm
I woke up in a daze and in great pain. I could hear the nurses calling my name repeatedly. Mdm Tan, Mdm Tan, wake up, wake up. I wanted to ask her to shut up (I am not that old, don't call me Madam) but I was too weak to speak. I tried to open my eyes but they were extremely heavy. I then realised that I was still in the waiting room. The nurses then wheeled me back to the normal ward. I saw hubby, my sister and her boyfriend outside the waiting room. I wasn't sure of the time, still trying to remember what happened. I remember asking hubby if baby was alright, if she had 10 perfect fingers and toes and he said yes :-)

They then transferred me from one bed to another and it was painful. As they have no single or double bedded rooms at that time, I was wheeled into a 3 bedded room. About an hour later, I finally saw my little girl :-)

The night time was the toughest on me. As hubby could not stay with me I had to look after myself and the baby. My gynae encouraged breast feeding from the start and the moment Hayley was sent to me, she stayed with me and only taken away for bathing, vaccinations and some health routine checks. Hubby stayed with me until as late as he could but eventually he had to leave. Before he leaves, he would place Hayley on my arms (left arm) right under my armpit. By doing so, I could (hopefully) feed her easily everytime she cries as I couldn't move myself. This we hope would reduce the chances of me pressing the HELP button especially in the middle of the night. That didn't work very well. I ended up with very sore nipples, a hungry baby, agitated neighbours who didn't manage to sleep because they were awaken by Hayley's cries and a very tired and stressed me. I had to press the bell each time I needed to switch breasts. But still both nipples ended up being sore and they were bleeding.

Day 2

Happy to see hubby arriving early in the morning to take over Hayley while I catch some sleep. I also hate it when the nurses had to come in every 2 - 3 hours to do their routine check of heart beat and temperature. I also hate the morning sponge bath which took place at 6am! The day passed very slowly and painfully. Friends and family came to visit.

Day 3

The urine catherer and drip was finally removed. It was the best moment of my life, I felt free again. Nurses asked me to inform them when I pass gas, found that funny at first when I didn't know the actual reason. I was also asked to get down from the bed for a walk and to urinate on my own. Getting down from the bed onto the chair seems like mission impossible. If given a choice, I wouldn't want to move at all. As I was not taking any painkillers, the pain was unbearable. When I finally sat on the chair next to the bed, I was trying to find ways to get back onto the bed. I sat on the chair for almost an hour, gaining courage and strength to get back onto the bed. My legs were very weak, they didn't felt like mine. Thankfully hubby arrived and as he was helping me, I suddely felt light headed and fainted. I fell onto the bed (thank God). I woke up 5 hours later. Nurses said it was normal as I had lost lots of blood.

I passed gas on day 3, urinated although I couldn't feel the urge to go. I felt like the whole system has gone haywire. I have no control of what was going on inside me. Later in the afternoon I tried walking again and made a few rounds in the room. I have to say they were not easy. Hubby also had to help me to the toilet :-) and he had to do the things he never imagined he would do.. hahaha. While I walk with my hands supporting the wound, hubby helped with the door etc. I reminded myself not to cough or sneeze as that would bring tears to my eyes.

Day 4

I was finally allowed to go home. It took me 30 mins from the ward to the car park (usually 10 mins). I was walking that slow. I was happy to go home. I will be going back to my mom's as she would be helping with the confinement.

2 weeks later

I was back in the hospital with an infection. I was bleeding heavily (c-sec patients should not have heavy menstrual after labour). I stayed for another 3 days 2 nights and was given the strongest antibiotic and of course the most expensive. Again I was on drips. I had to discard the expressed breast milk. Those 3 days were the toughest for me and hubby. He had to run to several places a day. Back home to make sure everything was ok, back to my mom's to see the baby, back to his work and then to the hospital to accompany me. I felt helpless and awful and missed my baby terribly. I took the 3 days to rest and catch up with sleep.

I was not sure what causes the infection, was it the hospital/equipments, the doctors/nurses or was it me? Later I found out that infections post c-sec was common in that hospital (a GP told me), wish I had known earlier. With the amount we paid for the labour and the treatment of the infection, I could have given birth to 20 kids (for the same price) if I had mine in Putrajaya Hospital :-).

Conclusion
I really love being a mum and I love my baby unconditionally but I really hate the process, the confinement and the labour. When friends visited me at the hospital and asked if I would plan for a second one after going through all that, I told them a stern NO. I really meant it at that time. Could not imagine myself going through all that again.

Now, several months later, I was already thinking of junior no 2 ~ lol. But for the 2nd one I will make sure I choose a different hospital, a different gynae, get myself a confinement lady (the experience with my mom wasn't great) and I must insist on a single room!